No One Noticed
by Jaylorforever
Summary: This is about my life. I have depression. I am struggling with my body, with my sexuality, and with life in general.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1

 _ **IF YOU KNOW ME IN REAL LIFE NOT ALL OF THIS IS TRUE**_

 **If you are my friend in real life, this is not how i actually think of you. I am writing this story to help with my feelings about Jake. Honestly, I am bi, but not that depressed of suicidal. I've only tried (and failed) to cut once.**

 **Morgan- she is my best friend. She is 5'10, white, and has almost waist lenght brown hair.**

 **Kylie- about 5'4, white, and has blond hair**

 **Tani- is my actual (and current) girlfriend. She is 4'10 Mexican, and has brown hair. _She is not horrible as this story portrays her_**

 **Jake- is my secret fantasy, I do actually love him. He is about 5'8, Mexican, wears glasses, and is hotter than a star.**

I sat sobbing against the shower wall, holding my silver razor.

"Why am I the one they hate?" I wondered.

"I can't even figure out how to cut myself. How will I be able to get a boyfriend?" I laughed miserably.

I threw the razor against the ground, and miraculously, the head broke against the bath floor. I picked up the tiny blade and gazed into the shiny metal, my only release.

Thought of when my best friend Morgan, showed me her scars. I didn't know if I could do it to myself.

The emotional pain of the day re-enveloped me, as I thought of the verbal abuse I had to endure. I remembered the pain of betrayal as I saw my siblings laughing at me as my mother yelled and hit me.

I sliced my arm, the inside, fatty part between my wrist and elbow. My arm jiggled as the blade slipped threw. A wave of self hate swept threw me, as a relized again, how fat I really was.

I sliced again, going higher up my arm. The burning pain of the running hot water against my open wounds shocked me back into reality. Not that I wanted to be there. I realized I really did want death.

I thought of Morgan, my best friend, and resumed sobbing harder at the thought that she really didn't know me. She didn't know that I wasn't bi, or that I was suicidal. She didn't know that I have a crush on her, and her thoughts about Weston crushed me.

Tani was the reason for my biggest problems. Because of her, I'm strictly gay. Because of her and my parents, I am currently sitting in the shower, cutting myself.

I cried, thinking about Emma, and Kaitlyn, and how they pretended they cared, but really, they just needed someone to fill the table.

I cried harder, thinking of Jake, and how he didn't know me, and how he will never no me. I knew that he would never want me, because of my yellow teeth, my gross clothes, and out of control hair, and gangly body, but worst of all, my big, fat, pathetic excuse for a body. I poked at my fat stomach, trying to wish it away.

I know that even if he was the horniest gay man alive, he still wouldn't want even a quick fuck with an obese lard like myself.

I cut again, wishing I had never told Tani yes. I was just so alone, and needed someone to hold on to. I tried to hug Morgan multiple times, but she told me she doesn't do physical contact.

Then that horrible day she told me that she was bi too, that's when I knew I was going down to deep deep depression. I mean, she'd like a GIRL over me. I mean, it's the same with Jake. How could someone so much better than me ever think about me that way?

The water suddenly turned cold, and it shocked me so bad, I lost the blade down the drain. I cried harder, yet again. I rinsed off my arms, loving the red marks there.

I stepped out of the shower, drying off with the black towel. I looked at my ugly body in the mirror, knowing that if I were muscular, or thinner, my life would be perfect. I would be able to get Jake, my parents would love me, and so would my friends.

I dressed in my pajamas and went to bed.

The next morning I moaned, realizing I had forgotten a bandage. I cleaned off my arms, put my contacts in, and found an outfit that wouldn't show my nipples through the fabric, and wouldn't make me look too fat.

I ate breakfast and ran through the door before my parents woke up. I got to school, and looked around for Morgan. I put up my happy mask as she approached.

"Hey Morgan! What's up?" I said in a fake bubbly voice.

"Taylor, you look tired. You should get to sleep earlier!" She replied jokingly.

I sighed, wishing the solution was as simple as that. I suppressed a surge of depression when Morgan ran off to someone. I felt tears rising when I saw it was Samantha.

I walked to my first period, and smiled as I saw Britny and Mona by my desk.

Next period, Mr. Hoermann let me go to the band hall. I immeadiatly saught out Tani and Jake, so I could avoid Tani, and watch Jake.

I watched him converse with Britian, jealousy overtaking me as I saw him smile at her. I wished I could talk to him, but I knew I couldn't, because I was not worthy too, because of my obesity.

I sat down in the corner, hiding behind the tenor saxes, and looked through my meager supply of pictures of Jake through the shattered glass of my phone.

I still remember the day I was allowed to buy a phone. The second I paid for it, my brother immeadiatly threw my brand new phone on the concrete. It shattered.

I decided to skip lunch, because I had enough fat as it is, and I didn't want to sit there without Morgan. Sometimes, when Samantha isn't around, I can pretend we are a couple.

I sat in my chair, wishing Jake could be at my side, hugging me, and comforting me from my thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Please review... I'd appreciate it...**

Jake pov (during our lunch)

"Hey, Jake! I hear someone likes you!" Brition exclaimed.

"Oof, how hot is she?" I replied.

"Jake, it's a guy. And he is fat, and gross. Good luck!" Brition laughed.

"Who is it?" I said.

"Taylor, the student aid in our second period. I saw him talking about sucking you off to someone on his phone. If he asks you out, will you say yes? I mean, honestly, no one would. He's to gross!" Brition exclaimed, disgusted.

"I doubt it..." I trailed off.

Ive seen him before, I saw him crying about something behind the sax wall. I've noticed he always looks sad. I might have said yes, just to make him happy, but now... I can't risk loosing Brition, or my other friends.

Taylors pov (next day, 2nd period)

I slowly trudge to the band hall for second period. I am barely excited to see Jake. Morgan was having a day off, and so I had to live with people that I wasn't comfortable with.

"High five Taylor!" Yelled Ali.

I gave her a fake smile and high fived back. Why doesn't anyone notice how fake this is? I could really use another friend... But people don't want to befriend fat guys.

I looked down on myself. I actually don't look that bad! I was wearing my blue sweatshirt with the sleeves rolled down, to hide my new scars. I thought back to last night, and smiled at the thought of the pain. Finally, I am in control of who can hurt me.

I looked up and saw Jake walking past me. I blushed darkly, hoping he didn't notice me. But honestly, who does?

I follow him with my eyes, wishing that his shirt was I bet higher, so I could see his jean-clad ass. I admired his hot body until he was out of sight. I re-aranged my shorts when I felt the sharp pain of the zipper.

I pulled out my phone, and started making a note about how I could ask him. I hope that he doesn't have a girlfriend, and I hope that he would at least want to be friends.

So, what I will do is I will walk up to him in band, and tell him that Mrs. Mixon wanted to see him. Then by the office door I will tell him I just needed to talk to him. Then I'd tell him some fluff, then I'd ask the big question. If a yes, I'd lean in and kiss him. I re-arange my shorts again. If he says no, I sink into depression. As a wave of depression overcame me, I thought bitterly I'd just sink into deeper depression, because it's already pretty serious.

As I walked into third period, Kylie came over. She wanted to talk about my girl problems. Well. She wants me to make a move, I want tot break up, because I am not gay. I mean, who wants to be in a relationship like that? She just uses me, because she wants a boyfriend. There is no love lost between us, she just talks about her money. About the fact that were both rich.

I sigh, and look down at my used and faded sneakers. I laughed miserably at the fact that people still think I'm rich.

Honestly, the only money I had was money I made from mowing lawns. That got me my clothes, shoes, and phone.

That's the only thing I can do right, and no one cares. If I get married to Jake, how will I support him? It's not like mowing lawns can pay bills.

I just wish I could have someone to talk to about everything. The deepest thing anyone knows about me is that I am bi, but only Morgan knows that, and I'm gay now.

As I walk to catapult, I decided I'd ask him out tomorrow. I will wear the nicest clothes I have, and do my hair nicely... I might have a chance!

I walk over to Mrs. Mixon, and ask for a pass. I would usually skip the pass, but I really need that excersise. I quickly walk down to Mrs. Towery's room, and show her the pass. Usually Morgan would be here with me, and we would talk about our love life's.

As I sit down as far away as possible from Tani, I pull out my phone and text Morgan.

"Hi" I typed. I brainstormed how to make that sound bubbly.

"Hey Morgan!" I sent. Ah yes, the power of lots and lots of exclamation points.

"What" came the response.

I laugh, knowing that Morgan wasn't actually frustrated.

"I think I'm gonna do it tomorrow" I texted.

"YOUR GONNA ASK JAKE!?" came the immediate response.

"Yes! I'm so scared tbh" I typed.

"JAYLOR IS HAPPENING"

"Morgan, if he says no, I'm going to kill myself."

"Taylor, I know your not happy, but it's not good to make jokes about suicide."

After I saw that text and I ran to the practice room and tried to hold back tears. My only friend, didn't even notice any of the signs. I pull up my sleeve, and saw the long red scabs. I ran my fingers over them.

'Its not good to make jokes about suicide' rang through my head.

I sliced my wrist with a staple I found on the ground. It didn't work great, but it's all I have.

"I'm not joking, I'm cutting." I typed into the bar, careful to keep the blood off of my phone.

I cut again, a wave of self hate washed over me when I realized I didn't have enough courage to hit send.

I cut again, knowing Jake would say no to a ugly mess like me.

I cut again, knowing my parents don't want me.

I cut again, knowing I only had one friend.

I cut again, knowing my best friend would never know.

I cut again, because I was running out of space on my left arm.

The bell rang, and then I noticed I missed fourth period.

I stood up, and realized I had nothing to stop the gushing blood. I took my hoodie off, and wrapped the inside around my arm. I wiped the tears I didn't know I was shedding.

Seriously, I don't even know anything. I can't even tell when I am crying. I walk out, not realizing how horrible I looked.

"Taylor, what happened? Is that blood on your face?" Emma said.

It's not like she even cares. I shook my head no, and

Walked off to the bathroom.

I washed off my face, and rinsed off my new cuts, wincing at the sharp sting. I re-wrapped my arm, and went back to the band hall, so that I could be on my own.

As lunch ended, my group of 'friends' came through. Emma ran over and saw my makeshift band-aid.

"Taylor, why is your jacket wrapped around your arm? Why is there red marks on it?" Emma ranted. She pulled at my arm, and I yelled in pain.

"Emma! Don't touch that!" I yelled.

Emma ran over to Kaitlyn, and they talked for a bit. I made sure my arm was covered, and grabbed my trumpet, knowing I didn't have enough strength to hold my euphonium.

One band was over, I walked to science. We did good things, of course I didnt have one.

Then, Mrs. Hejl got a call.

"Taylor, Mrs. Sebesta needs to see you." Mrs. Hejl told me.

I froze. This couldn't be happening. Did Emma tell her? Oh no, if my mom found out... Oh no, oh no! I got up, and my vision blurred. I stumbled out the door, barely able to see through my terror. The white hot horror of what was about to happen brought me to my knees.

I felt tears escape my closed tight eyes. My life was over! I never was able to talk to Jake! A sob bubbled up in my throat. I got up, and leaned against the wall.

I felt like there was an invisible wall pushing me back down. I stepped towards my impending Doom. Another step. How could anyone have found out about my self harm? I only started two days ago, but I've been suicidal since before that.

I knew Emma wasn't my friend, but by telling Mrs. Sebesta, she just ruined my entire world. I was not ready to tell anyone.

I stood in front of the door, trying in vane to wipe the tears from my face. They just kept coming. The terror increased tenfold when I touched the door handle.

I was out of breath, I was breathing hard. I felt horrible, it was way to warm, I was shaky, and I knew what was about to happen.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 **Im pretty much done with super depressing stories now... (I know, a whole three chapters!) I am going off in a completely different direction now, check out my story called "Injection"!**

In a moment of Divine revelation, I realized I didn't put concealer on. I ran to the bathroom, the wall gone. I washed my face again, fixed my hair, threw away the sweatshirt, and rubbed concealer into my arm.

It didn't work as well as I had hoped, but it worked as well as needed.

I checked the rest if my body for blood stains, and then walked confidently to Mrs. Sebestas room.

I knocked on the door and walked in. I made sure to "accidentally" flash her my arms, so she would know the 'werent' there.

"Good afternoon, Mrs. Sebesta. What can I do for you today?" I said confidently.

A rush of satisfaction flew through me when she jumped, not expecting me to be that way. She thought immeadiatly that I could not be suicidal.

The second I left her office, I collapsed. The stress of the tense meeting left me. I realized how exhausted I was.

I was so happy I was able to avoid the confrontation!

That day after school, Morgan and I went to Somerset park.

"Taylor, Emma talked to me today. Is there anything you want to tell me?" She asked quietly.

"Wh- what did she tell you?"

"Taylor, please show me."

My throat choked up. My vision blurred with tears. I unwrapped my arm from the bandage I put on it once I had gotten home.

I turned my arm so that she could see the fresh scabs from my cut wounds. I had washed my arm when I got home so I could see it.

Finally, my best, and only friend knows my deepest darkest secret.

Big fat tears started to roll down my face. I knew she was going to be mad, I mean, cutting is bad. Right?

Morgan suddenly moved towards me. I flinched, thinking she was going to hit me. Instead, she eveloped me into a big, warm and wet hug.

My tears started coming faster and larger. I was crying for what I had been through my entire life. I cried about my abusive parents, my non-existent friends, my sad love life, my depression, and happy tears because this was literally my first positive touch.

"You know you can tell me anything right?" Morgan whispered, still hugging me.

"There is just so much you don't know about!" I said.

"Start with the smallest." Morgan compromised.

"Morgan, Im not bi." I whispered.

"You're not? What about Jake?" She said, suprised.

"I just like guys... Like Jake!" I said.

"Oh... Um... Cool?"

"Morgan, I think I need to ask him... I don't even know if he is gay. And even if he says no, Im going to 8th grade next year, so I dont have to worry about seeing him."

"True... But what if he says yes?"

"Long distance relationships sometimes work out right? Besides, we can always have make out cessions behind the storage crates. Like Mona!"

We both laughed a bit.

The next day I walked into first period, terrified about what I was about to do next period. I mean, I don't want to stress about it for the rest of my life so, better get it over with now.

The bell rang after some long notes, and I slowely walked to the band hall, forgoing asking permission from Mr. Hoermann.

As I entered the bad hall, immeadiatly found Jake. Now I just have to wait until that perfect moment, when Mr. E is talking and so I can grab Jake without no one noticing.

A few minutes later, I stood shakily. I fingered my scars, and walked across the room to his side.

"Hey, your Jake Garcia, right?" I asked timidly.

"Ya, why?" He responded.

Oh! His voice! I almost fainted at the smooth, low, sexy voice.

"Mrs... Mrs. Mixon needs to see you..." I trailed off.

Oh my gosh, I am about to do it. I am about to ask my crush out!

My heart beat painfully in my chest. My breathing grew short.

When we reached the door, I stopped him, and asked the big question.

"Jake, will... Will you... Will you go out with me?" I practically begged.

He stared.

He kept staring.

"Eew, hell no! I'm not gonna date you!" He yelled in the mid-way silent classroom.

I froze. My heart practically stopped. I felt my eyes tear up and my throat burn.

The rest of the room went silent and stared in our direction.

I heard Britian start laughing, which started a chain of laughter, until the whole band hall was laughing.

I flushed, not only had he meanly rejected me, he caused everyone to laugh. Doesn't he know how serious this is for me?

I fled into the bathroom. I pulled my razor blade out, which I had brought to school just in case I needed to blow off some of the emotional despair.

I smiled through my tears, knowing these were my last moments.

I thought of all the times I looked at Jake, and all the moments I was blessed to see him smile.

I thought of Morgan, and the amazing hug we had yesterday. I wished it had lasted longer. It was the only positive moment in my life I could think of.

I pulled out my phone, and sent in a text message-

"I love you Morgan. I am going to really miss you! I want you to know that I have and always will care deeply for you, my only and best friend. Goodbye"

I thought of my family. I usually try not to think of them. I really wouldn't miss them, to be blunt.

I thought of the fun I had while playing my trumpet and euphonium. I hoped they would be in heaven, too.

I cried, while thinking of the life me and Jake never got to have.

I cried harder, when I realized Morgan would never know the extent of my feelings for her.

I cried even harder, when I realized that only one person would notice I'm gone.

I gazed at the metal in wonder. This little blade had the power to bring me to my end. And I could control it.

I set the blade against my skin.

I pressed deeply into my wrist.

And I sliced it deeply, carving through tendons and ligaments.

I watched through my blurry vision as blood gushed out of the wound.

I sat back against the stall wall, and pictured Jake's face.

Goodbye, world. Goodbye Morgan, goodbye Jake.

I passed with a smile, thinking of what might have been.


End file.
